Group active since Wed, Jul 13, 2011
There are alot of us here that enjoy a good laugh, and we need a place to post those funny stories and jokes so we don't clog up the other groups with them. This can be the central location, a 'clearinghouse' for humor, where anyone and everyone searching for something funny can find it.
Jokes are like people...it takes all kinds to make the world and to make us laugh...there will always be someone who takes offense at something, jokes included. For those folks, I understand your position and all I ask is that if you take offense, please just move to the next one and don't make rude or nasty comments to the person who posted that particular item...we've had that before and the very next time something like that happens, rest assured the group will disappear!!!
You are welcome to post your jokes and funny stories here...that's what we're here for...I'm looking forward to seeing what our members post to make us all smile!
Friday at 10:54 AM
He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor who examines him is really disturbed at such a tragedy. "Oh, yuck! Well, that's all right, Oly, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do for you."
"I haven't got the fingers," Oly said, gasping through his pain.
The doctor said, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2017. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have reattached the fingers. You'd be as good as new! Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
"Well, geez, Doc," Oly groaned, "I couldn't pick 'em up."
Jan 20, 2017
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”
“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”
“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”
I was equally outraged.
“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.
“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?”she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.
“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
“Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth..”
“Oh, gross!” they shrieked
“Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.
“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.
“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.
“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know.
“Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.”
“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.
“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.
“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.
“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. ‘This lizard is not in labor.. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. . .Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
“So, Ernie’s just . just . . . excited,” my wife offered.
“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. ‘”t’s just .that . .I’m picturing you pulling on its . … . its. . . teeny little . . ”
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad.” he told me.
“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!
Apr 6, 2016
Oh, you don't know the drama that has been going on at my house. I usually don't post such things on facebook BUT.... I feel I must.... I got tired of dear hubby leaving the toilet seat up and me falling in it during a middle of the night pee break. SO I turned the toilet... I mean table on him and left the seat up when I went back to bed.. after washing and drying my wet a$$............. Anywhooo, he woke up and went to take a dump, sat down and SPLASH ! His butt went in the water. Normally I would have found this hilarious BUT as he was lifting his a$$ out of the water, his hand hit the knob and flushed the toilet.... which proceeded to suck his balls down the loo !!! He screamed and I came running only to slip and hit my head.. because his balls had clogged up the loo and water was running everywhere.
Long story short.... I've got a headache and he is blueballed... some things never change.... LMAO !!! Damn the drama...
Now, of course this was all fabrication and totally untrue... well, most parts of it are ! LOL ;-)
Nov 5, 2015
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."
"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.
"You're talking to him," replied the rancher."
Sep 17, 2015
and left everything to his devoted
She was a very good-looking woman and
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little
about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand..
cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the
other a drunk.
She thought long and
hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be
safer to have him around the house than the
He proved to be a hard
worker who put in long hours every day and knew a
lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two
of them worked, and the ranch was doing very
Then one day, the rancher's widow
said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good
job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily
agreed and went into town one Saturday
One o'clock came, however, and
he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no
Finally he returned around
two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a
glass of wine, waiting for him.
quietly called him over to
"Unbutton my blouse and take it
off," she said.
Trembling, he did as
she directed. "Now take off my
He did as she asked, ever so
slowly. "Now take off my socks."
each gently and placed them neatly by her
"Now take off my
He slowly unbuttoned it,
constantly watching her eyes in the fire
"Now take off my bra.." Again,
with trembling hands, he did as he was told and
dropped it to the floor.
looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes
into town again, you're
Jun 16, 2015
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
Jun 8, 2015
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'
HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!