All Jokes, All the Time...

Hosted by Jan W
Group active since Wed, Jul 13, 2011

There are alot of us here that enjoy a good laugh, and we need a place to post those funny stories and jokes so we don't clog up the other groups with them. This can be the central location, a 'clearinghouse' for humor, where anyone and everyone searching for something funny can find it.

Jokes are like people...it takes all kinds to make the world and to make us laugh...there will always be someone who takes offense at something, jokes included. For those folks, I understand your position and all I ask is that if you take offense, please just move to the next one and don't make rude or nasty comments to the person who posted that particular item...we've had that before and the very next time something like that happens, rest assured the group will disappear!!!

You are welcome to post your jokes and funny stories here...that's what we're here for...I'm looking forward to seeing what our members post to make us all smile!

J. White Harris
Friday at 10:54 AM

Oly's Fingers

Oly was working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally sliced off all ten of his fingers.

He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor who examines him is really disturbed at such a tragedy. "Oh, yuck! Well, that's all right, Oly, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do for you."

"I haven't got the fingers," Oly said, gasping through his pain.

The doctor said, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2017. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have reattached the fingers. You'd be as good as new! Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

"Well, geez, Doc," Oly groaned, "I couldn't pick 'em up."

Millie Johnson
Jan 20, 2017

Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet.

Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”

“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”

“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged.

“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.

“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?”she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

“Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth..”

“Oh, gross!” they shrieked

“Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know.

“Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.”

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. ‘This lizard is not in labor.. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. . .Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

“So, Ernie’s just . just . . . excited,” my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. ‘”t’s just .that . .I’m picturing you pulling on its . … . its. . . teeny little . . ”
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad.” he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

LMBO !!!!

Millie Johnson
Apr 6, 2016

O' the Drama on Facebook ! *** ADULT CONTENT ***

A friend was lamenting about people posting their drama on facebook, so of course I had to respond by posting my own drama in the comments... Now, it was late and lack of sleep had made me a little silly... :D


Oh, you don't know the drama that has been going on at my house. I usually don't post such things on facebook BUT.... I feel I must.... I got tired of dear hubby leaving the toilet seat up and me falling in it during a middle of the night pee break. SO I turned the toilet... I mean table on him and left the seat up when I went back to bed.. after washing and drying my wet a$$............. Anywhooo, he woke up and went to take a dump, sat down and SPLASH ! His butt went in the water. Normally I would have found this hilarious BUT as he was lifting his a$$ out of the water, his hand hit the knob and flushed the toilet.... which proceeded to suck his balls down the loo !!! He screamed and I came running only to slip and hit my head.. because his balls had clogged up the loo and water was running everywhere.
Long story short.... I've got a headache and he is blueballed... some things never change.... LMAO !!! Damn the drama...

Now, of course this was all fabrication and totally untrue... well, most parts of it are ! LOL ;-)


Millie Johnson
Nov 5, 2015

The half-wit

A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."
"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.

"You're talking to him," replied the rancher."

Millie Johnson
Sep 17, 2015

The hired hand

A successful rancher died
and left everything to his devoted
wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little
about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two
cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the
other a drunk.

She thought long and
hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be
safer to have him around the house than the
drunk.

He proved to be a hard
worker who put in long hours every day and knew a
lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two
of them worked, and the ranch was doing very
well

Then one day, the rancher's widow
said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good
job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily
agreed and went into town one Saturday
night.

One o'clock came, however, and
he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no
hired hand.

Finally he returned around
two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a
glass of wine, waiting for him.

She
quietly called him over to
her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it
off," she said.

Trembling, he did as
she directed. "Now take off my
boots."

He did as she asked, ever so
slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed
each gently and placed them neatly by her
boots.

"Now take off my
skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it,
constantly watching her eyes in the fire
light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again,
with trembling hands, he did as he was told and
dropped it to the floor.

Then she
looked at him and said,
.
.
.
.
"If you ever wear my clothes
into town again, you're
fired."

Millie Johnson
Jun 16, 2015

football humor

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

Millie Johnson
Jun 8, 2015

Shopping...

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.


A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!